April 1st on the Helicarrier
by jaqueline-littlebird
Summary: Loki's idea of an april fool's joke.


_Disclaimer:_ All mine! No, that was a joke. Seriously, Marvel owns them.

_Music:_ "Twilight of the Thunder God" by Amon Amarth

**April 1****st**** on the Helicarrier**

Responding to Fury's urgent call, the Avengers assembled on the Helicarrier. The corridors they walked through towards the conference room were ill-lit and humid, crewmen mopping up puddles of water. Had there been a fire? An attack?

Fury greeted the team (minus Thor) in the conference room, his leather trenchcoat squeaking wet, a squirrel monkey on his shoulder. The monkey wore a miniature black SHIELD uniform sweater and was gnawing on a SHIELD badge.

„Director Fury!" Captain Rogers greeted, before said director's horrified expression and hand-waving could stop him. Sirens blared, the monkey screeched, and the water sprinkling system doused them well and proper.

„Silence!" the director shouted. „Steven. Everyone. Shut up and listen to me! There is a set of words we can not use at the moment." He held up a whiteboard with a list of words on it: agent, avenger, director, Fury, … „Each of those will trigger the alarm and fire systems." The showering and sirens ceased. The monkey chittered.

„Arr, avast, captain!" Tony Stark interjected, humorously. Immediately, the sound system howled and the water doused them anew. Sighing, Fury added „captain" to the words list on the whiteboard.

„What happened?" asked Romanoff, scanning the list of forbidden words before adding: „Boss?"

Sagging in his chair and rubbing his temples, Fury said one word: „Loki". An angelic choir chimed in their 'Aaahahaa, hallelujah', rays of gentle light broke from the ceiling, and the smell of burning incense filled the room.

Earth's heroes looked at one another.

„His idea of an April fool's joke, apparently."

An agent brought coffee, and an apple for the monkey. Fury dismissed him with a nod.

„The person on my shoulder, by the way, is Maria, my assistant." He pointed to the whiteboard where 'agent Hill' was among the alarm-triggering words.

„Yoho, yoho, a pirate's life for me." Stark muttered. „So, dir... dear eye-patch-man," he continued, grinning at Fury's shocked expression, then sipping from his coffee. „You called us together because Loki ..." Once more, the choir sang, and the smell of incense overlayed that of damp furniture. „... Amazing. Jarvis, scan for Reindeer Games' energy signature! He's probably hiding somewhere, gloating."

„On it, Sir." the AI replied. Instantly, the sirens went on, and the Avengers were doused with cold water once more. The monkey screeched and fled under the desk. Sighing, Fury tapped the whiteboard where 'Sir' was written.

„Jarvis, please address your constructor as 'master' from now on, and do not speak his name either." Steve instructed.

„Optical scan of the whiteboard in front of your master; do not say any of those words." Banner instructed further.

Fury nodded gratefully.

„Scan done, master." Jarvis interjected. „I was unable to detect Mr Odinson the younger. There are traces of his magic in the Helicarrier's commander's first desk drawer, though. Also, the ship's computer system seems to be corrupted by magic. Shall I try to de-bug and re-boot?"

„Yes" said Fury, „that is one of the reasons I called you in for. Ever since Loki's" He took the choir, light and incense interruption stoically.

„since this prank of his, we're dead in the air, so to speak. All the computer screens display Galaga only, and the weapons in the armoury were turned into marshmallows. I trust you can get us going again" he said, pointing a finger at Iron Man, „and the rest of you, make sure such a thing doesn't occur again."

„Where's Thor?" asked Hawkeye, who had so far been fiddling with his bow. Sirens and shower once more, while the director pointed to the list, angrily.

Monkey Hill fled the flooded floor jumping onto Fury's lap. He patted her absently while opening the top drawer.

„Say, Pulp Fiction" Tony piped in, „where does all that water come from? We're a mile up in the air here, you can't have unlimited supply. It's got to run out soon, no?"

„No, Mr engineer." came the answer. „The Helicarrier is a closed circuit. Everything is recycled. Even the mopped-up water from the floors. It's all filtered and reprocessed, so we'll never have a shortage. Even the water from the toilets."

Stark spat out his coffee.

Without further ado, the director took a glass jar from the drawer and placed it on the tabletop. „This is our other problem."

The glass jar had a label on it:_ 'Thor'_. Inside sat a frog.

„Maybe someone needs to kiss him?" The remark was out of Stark's mouth before he could wrap his thoughts around it.

The spider monkey – agent Hill, they needed to remember – screeched, hopped onto Fury's shoulder and smacked him all over, desperately. Nothing happened.

„Maybe … maybe … it needs to be the right person?" Rogers interjected, blushing. They all stared at him. After short deliberation, it was decided he should kiss both Hill and Thor. The first kiss changed nothing, and the spider monkey retreated to Fury's shoulder, gnawing on it's SHIELD batch some more. The second kiss turned Captain America into a frog. They placed him in the glass jar with the Mighty Thunderfrog (as Tony dubbed him) and fed them cockroaches from the cafeteria.

* * *

Some time later, discussions going in circles and Jarvis only informing them of his Galaga scores, an agent announced a new arrival. To everyone's astonishment, the god of thunder himself waltzed in.

„Greetings, my friends!" he boomed. „Did I miss a fight? What a shame that would be. Remember, it was you who advised me to silence this artifact of mobile calling when I am with the lady Jane. But I was on my way as soon as your urgent short message reached me, director Fury."

Sirens blared, and the room got soaked once more.

The thunderer held out one hand and looked to the ceiling in puzzlement. „I did not do that. How come it rains inside your quarters without my doing?"

Everyone pointed to the whiteboard. „Your brother ..."

„Loki?"

Once more the nice sound, light and scent effects. Thor looked ever more puzzled, Tony facepalmed. How many brothers did Point Break have anyway?

„Yourlunaticbrotherpleasedon'tsayhisname" Fury continued, „made it so that some names and words trigger our emergency systems. Hence the water. Here's the list of words we can't use at the moment." And he pointed to the whiteboard.

The Asgardian frowned. „I am deeply sorry, director." Everyone cringed as the ineviteable water sprinkling and noise set in. The blond god continued, unperturbed. „The all-tongue only extends to the spoken word. You will have to read your writing out to me, so that I can remember it."

Fury gasped like a fish on dry land, then, resignedly, started to read out aloud: „Agent, avenger, captain, director, ..." Monkey-Hill tried to crawl under his trenchcoat to protect herself from the noise and rain.

„Hold on a minute, boss." Agent Romanoff interrupted. „First things first. If you are here" he pointed a finger at Thor „who is that frog in that glass jar, then?"

The thunderer's eyes widened with disbelief. „Verily, that is a frog, as I'm sure you can see. Or rather two of the green croakers. Did you believe my adopted brother's feeble magic could turn me, the mighty Thor, into such a lowly creature?"

„That other frog is Steve." Natasha pointed out as soon as the alarm and sprinkling had ebbed, then cringed when Thor blurted out: „The Captain of America?" They endured the inevitable.

„It's best not to speak out loud any of our names or titles for the time being." Dr Banner suggested mildly, trying to clean his glasses with a soaked handkerchief.

„But how did … the shieldwielder assume this form? He is not a shapeshifter like that little weasel whom my parents took unwisely in, I trust?"

Stark and Banner exchanged glances. Had the brothers had a row again? Things had been rather quiet these past months, ever since last Thanksgiving, when one of the turkeys the president had just pardoned shapeshifted into Loki's normal form. The trickster had then gracefully bowed out, doing no more damage than changing some weapons pointed at him into cotton candy, and making the Lincoln Memorial sing 'Rule Britannia'. Countless lawyers had since flooded TV shows argueing whether a presidential pardon could be revoked or not.

„Steven kissed that other frog, which your brother deposited when interfering with our systems." Fury explained.

„The Jotun runt is not my brother." Thor interjected angrily.

Natasha frowned.

„We thought at the time you were the other frog and were hoping a kiss might change you back." Banner explained further.

„Kind of a saga here, Conan, don't worry your pretty little head." Stark added.

„The slithering snake mislead you even in your sagas!" the thunderer thundered. „Verily, no kindness like a kiss will ever rescind his vile spells. I shall show you how!" And with that, he quickly grabbed one of the frogs from the jar and threw it against the wall, where it bounced off and landed on the floor, blinking its eyes.

„The other one, then." he said into the shocked silence, and threw the other frog, which duely landed changed.

„You … you fed me roaches!" Captain America croaked out, cringing and retching.

„Calm down, Steve, calm down!" Fury patted him on the back.

„Yup, capsicle, not half as bad as the coffee here." said Tony.

Natasha retched also.

„My friends, this was the last straw! We can bear such indignity no longer." Thor raised Mjölnir, his cape fluttering theatrically. „The liesmith must be brought to justice. Long has he lived, to make our lives a misery. No more! Let's smite him now, or bind him to a rock, to let an eagle feast upon his liver!"

„Wait wait wait, Point Break." Tony looked positively shocked, as did Steve and even Clint. „That's a bit harsh, don't you think? What's he done to you, knotted your knickers in a twist, dyed them pink?"

„That, and worse." Thor replied in his deep voice, gravely. „He committed the most grievous of crimes in Asgard."

The Avengers looked at each other.

„Do carry on." prompted Natasha with a blank face.

„Many a crime committed the Jotun cuckoo. Wine into snakes he turned, slighting the memory of Kvasir the god, whom we slew over the cauldron to create the first mead."

Everyone else exchanged worried glances. „Did you guys really kill that fellow for drinks?" asked Stark.

„Verily, we did; he had been created just for that purpose." Thor replied proudly.

Outraged, Steve tried to speak up: „That's ...", but was silenced by Natasha. „What else did your brother do?"

„My fake brother broke nearly every law there is. He read when commanded to exercise." Thor was working himself up into a frenzy. „He shaved his beard. Once, he was seen in womens' clothes. And he talked back when the Allfather was speaking." The last sentence, he yelled. „Too long have we been lenient, my friends. Let's get him now, and lay him under a lethal snake! Long live Asgard's justice!"

Leaving some sparkles and a smell of ozone in the air, the thunderer stormed out, ignoring his fellow Avengers' protests.

Really, the man had not done anything warranting lethal snake poinson since the New York attack, to which he might as well have been coerced. He'd even saved the citizens of San Francisco from an earthquake by threatening an out of space attack, which never came, two days in advance. The town had been as good as empty when the quake did hit. Back then, Thor had confirmed his brother, as the god of fire, could predict movements in the Earth's molten core.

They hurried after the enraged thundergod, but could not convince or stop him before he jumped from the Helicarrier to disappear in the clouds. Even Iron Man could not detect him after that.

The Avengers returned to the conference room, worrying or pensive. The director assured them it was allright, and whatever the Asgardian brothers did to each other should remain between them. Jarvis got the computer systems functioning again one by one, and when all was completed, agent Hill changed back, landing a bit awkwardly on Fury's lap and blushing.

The frog remained a frog. Loki's magic signature on it was gone. They decided to adopt it as a mascot and kept the name „Mighty Thunderfrog" for it. Steve was exempt from feeding duty.

* * *

Hours later, Thor returned. „Well met, friends." he greeted them cheerfully. I hope nothing untowards happened? Or did my brother rile you on this fine day? I would not put it beyond him."

„What do you mean, Rumble in the Jungle? You've not killed Reindeer Games yet?"

„I know not of what you speak, Man of Iron. Never would I kill my brother. Yet I am happy not to see him on this day of jokes you have, since the lady Jane has already played a prank on me."

„Oh really? What did she do? Tell you she'd accidentally blown up Asgard with her telescope?"

Thor looked shocked. „That would be a foul joke to tell, Man of Iron. But she made fun of me indeed: She exchanged the salt and sugar. My breaking fast was horrid, as was teatime. I'm quite happy that you called me here." and amidst his fellow Avengers' chuckling, he proudly brandished a brand-new phone with a message on the display.

„Give that to me!" shouted Stark and grabbed the thing from the taller man's meaty fist. His eyes nearly popped out. „That's a Hammer h-phone 4.0. Where's the StarkPhone that I gave you?"

„This is a different one? I hadn't noticed."

„Loki." Natasha interjected. „He's stolen the other one. Easiest way to shut off communication. Then he replaced you here, Thor." A single drop of water hit the tip of her nose, and a whiff of incense passed by. Effects were mostly off.

For security reasons, they also took turns trying to lift the hammer Thor had brought. When nobody but him could lift it, they were assured he was the real Thor this time. He was fit into the frog-feeding schedule.

Elsewhere, radio stations were informed Victor von Doom would perform for Latveria at the Eurovision Song Contest.


End file.
